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Conflict of Interest

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Do you ever get stuck making a decision you know you won’t be happy with? Like going out when you’re tired and end up half-awake, wishing you were buried deep in your pillows instead of trying to make conversations with girls you’re probably not going to put enough effort into sleeping with? But then when you’re home, you think ‘fuck! Tonight could’ve been that night where I met the love of my life, or at least tonight, unlike every other night, I could’ve picked up a chick and maybe, just maybe gotten her to touch my penis more than by accident. But then you have them home and you’re hating yourself because of how awkward the night will turn as soon as you get off and she’ll want to stay the night and you’ll let her even though you can’t sleep with random strangers in your bed because you’re a nice guy. Not nice enough to give her a ride in the morning, but you’ll call her a cab. What’s the point? Just don’t pick up women…and do what, sit at home at three texting the few girls that might be slutty enough to come over and bang? Most won’t respond. One might. None of them will show up and you’ll end up with your dick in your hands because you can’t fall asleep and say why the fuck did I even go out?
The alternative sucks too. You’ve seen every movie on Netflix. The new season of whatever the fuck mindless show isn’t out for another week. You did this last week. It sucked then too. You ended up getting drunk on your couch perusing facebook trying to see if anyone is on the chat. Which no one is ever on. Then it’s ten o’clock and you jerk off so you can get a good night’s sleep. You know you’re never going to meet anyone by staying in, but going out is such a pain in the ass. You’re just going to waste your money. And your time. And for what? At best, meaningless sex, because you know one night stands don’t turn into love. They turn into a few weeks of fucking and fucking around and then you move on. But what the fuck else are you going to be doing? Sit at home? Like a loser?
But all you want is to fall in love, right? You want to meet that special someone that’ll make it easy to stay at home with, who will also want to go out and get just the right kind of crazy. But only when you want to go out. Otherwise, she’ll stay at home and let you watch your game in peace. She can occupy her own time. You already put a lot of time into this. Hell, you didn’t go out tonight. And you sleep next to her all night. That’s like 6, 7 hours. Fuck, this relationship is suffocating isn’t it? You thought you’d met someone that you could be in a relationship with that’d make you feel single? Nice try asshole. You just want someone that’s good looking and great that won’t get hit on by other guys? You want her to be experienced but you don’t want her to be a slutty? She has to put up with your habits and hide all of hers? It’s not for everyone. It might not be for you. It might not be for me. But why not try? You might just find what you’re looking for.
And sometimes you’ll have to be compassionate and caring but she wants you to be a manly man. And you have to know when. She’s not going to tell you. But you have to tell her when something’s bothering you. But you can’t sound like a pussy.
You want to be genuine and let your emotions take over but you know there’s no faster way to lose someone than to tell them you care more. Forget saying the L word. You can’t blame them for holding back either. You know you’d do the same. And so you stay in relationships holding back until you suppress them long enough that all your worries and weird self-sabotaging does its job and shit happens the way you expected it to. And all women are bitches and whores and you’re pathetic and a loser and you can’t keep a woman happy. So of course you treat the women who do treat you well like shit and keep them at arm’s length. They’ve gotta be up to something shady. Right? That’s why you’d cheat. Because they would. You know they would. The only way to not get hurt is to be the one who hurts, the one who cares less. The one who is willing to put the least effort into it. Can’t I just find someone that isn’t as fucked up as me? Interesting conflict, don’t you think?


Filed under: Observations, Observations of a Confused Young Adult, rants Tagged: cheating, conflict, growing up, interest, Life, love, observations, rant, relationships

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